A lightbulb moment occurred for me during my appointment with my therapist today.
We started to delve into some raw and uncomfortable issues for me. I opened up about a mjor weakness of mine: my difficulties controlling my emotions, particularly jealousy.
Jealousy has been an emotion that I have struggled with for as long as I can recall. I remember it vividly in primary school when the boy that I had a crush on liked another girl. I wanted to be like her so I could have a chance with him.
This emotion consumed me significantly and it has ever since. I suppose I never learned to address where it came from or never admitted that i WAS jealous because I was ashamed I even felt it. I realised in my session with my therapist that jealousy is a legitimate emotion and is not something to be ashamed of. Emotions must be dealt with as they arise, not suppressed out of embarrassment. I am a great believer that any negative energy you hide or suppress with only hurt you further.
We delved in to why this emotion is particularly prominent within me. It became clear that alot of the jealousy that I feel is a product of deep insecurity within myself.
These was the lightbulb moment. I am deeply, deeply insecure. I suppose I have known this for a while. I have a tendency to want to please people and to be LIKED by everyone. I could never accept that someone couldn’t like me. What have I done wrong? Am I bad? Am I horrible? Why do they not like me?
The reality is that some people just won’t like you. There is no particular reason sometimes and guess what? That is NOT your fault. At all.
When someone was critical about me or spoke about me negatively behind my back I would be terribly distressed. That, I suppose, is quite normal. It’s not nice to know that someone has said something untrue or unkind about you. But WHY would you want that person’s approval? Evidently, they are not going to HELP you so WHY do you care what they think? Is it not a better idea to be around those who love you and who you love in return?
My partner tells me often that I worry too much about what other people think about me. Will they like me? What will they think about my body? My mind? My personality? This is bred out of a deep lack of security in who I really am.
My therapist asked me: who am I?
I didn’t know how to answer.
I have been living to please others so much that I have lost my OWN sense of who I really am. I am uncomfortable with facing myself because maybe I am fearful about what I will find.
We decided that in order to find out more about who I truly am I need to consider what my values are. What I truly value about life and the world around me. What inspires me?
I came up with:
- Positivity and Optimism
These are the 7 Core values and principles that are most important to me. Realising that has lifted a heavy load off my mind. I can now focus on discovering more about who I really am, to build my sense of self, defeat my insecurity and life a better life.