We all know them. We all see them. We are probably all equally peeved by them. This is a safe place my friends. We can admit our frustrations and share our hidden fury. I have the Conch now so here it goes:
- The newly loved up snapper
Queue My Story over share. This snapper posts their intimate moments with their new bf or gf. The words bae and babe are copiously used combined with vomitous amounts of love heart emojis and the one smiley face with the loved up eyes. Snapchat captions include such things as “happy 1 month babe”, “so in love”, “look how cute he/she is when they smile/laugh/take a shit”. Kiss shots are a must, the old we’re-kissing-eachother-and-are-so-in-love-and-we-are-so-not-taking-a-selfie-selfie. I’m so glad I didn’t have snapchat when I first met my boyfriend, I fear I would have been in this category. #thankyousnapchatjesus
2. The “look at my perfect life” snapper
This snapper will share only the highlights of their perfect life. Shots and videos include spontaneous expensive holidays with a splash of luxurious views and champagne. Said snapper will include their most recent shopping escapade to Zara/Culture Kings/Dolce and Gabanna/insert expensive brand name here. Aim of these snaps? CHECK OUT MY CRAZY LIFE BITCHES YA YOU WANT IT. Often these snappers don’t expose the everyday monotonous tasks of folding laundry, undie-sniffing and stale Wonder White bread toasting. Or is that just my life? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
3. The body obsessed snapper
BOOBS check out my BOOBS I’m at the zoo BOOBS and there are heaps of animals BOOBS and I am wearing no clothes at the zoo because BOOBS.
The next shot will ultimately be at the gym where they are working on their fitness because they just want to be healthy and live a fulfilling healthy life of happiness. Bless. Final shot will be no face photo of tummy or bulging arms with the caption “work out was so hard” with some sort of sweat emoji. Because going to the gym never happened until you post about it. DUH.
4. The Never Ending Story snapper
Their stories are often so long you dread opening them. You know you’ll be in this one for the long haul. Brace yourself, this could take a while. You open the story and what do you know it’s 5 FUCKING MINUTES LONG. NOBODY has ANY desire whatsoever to tap through 5 minutes of your highlight reel. Unless something really cool is happening in your day like I don’t know YOU MEET OBAMA please refrain from commenting on every moment of your day. I know your cup of tea is amazing/delicious/orgasmic but I don’t need to see every angle of it to know said cup of tea is amazing/delicious/orgasmic.
5. The Snapper who can’t fucking use their camera properly snapper
There is nothing more infuriating than watching a Snapchat story akin to the filming skills of Cloverfield. The snapper is obviously having the best time of their lives because they can’t hold the goddamn camera still. Often said snapper is slightly intoxicated or on MDMA because no normal sober person would hold a phone upside down then sideways then horizontally then finally the right way up. PLEASE hold the camera properly so I don’t feel like my head is going to explode. #thnx