Being heavier has made me so much lighter

A couple of days ago my boyfriend turned to me and said something wonderful.

“Sophia, you’re just so much…lighter.”

He didn’t mean I was physically lighter but emotionally lighter.  I’m less sad and I’m less serious.

It made me reflect upon how the increase in my weight has been so positive.

Weight is a touchy subject for me.  It has been ever since I became unwell over 5 years ago.

Small increases in my weight were met with floods of tears and explosive anger.  Even an increase by a few hundred grams over a fortnight would set me on a path of self-destruction and self-hatred.  Seeing a number on the scales would determine the rest of my day.  If the number had decreased or stayed the same, I would have a decent day.  A surge of relief would flood through my body.

If the number went up, my outlook on the entire day would change.  I would become sullen, unproductive and disinterested.  Because I felt dirty.  I let a number determine my happiness or my sadness.  I let a number determine whether I would be friendly or shy.

I would let a number dictate my life.

My recovery has required my weight to increase.  It has required my body to change.  That is the truth.

I’ve gained mass, weight, health.  Whatever you want to call it.  As a result I have gained so much life.  As a result, I have become a “lighter” person as my boyfriend describes.  I am slowly regaining my freedom.

The hardest part about gaining weight is dealing with society.  The media constantly impressions us to believe that our looks and size are our worth.

“Lose 5 kilos fast without lifting a finger” or “lose that pesky winter coat.”

I am fucking sick of it.

Society so often applauds people who lose weight.  But losing weight was not healthy for me.  Losing weight meant I lost myself.  Losing weight meant I compromised my freedom, my happiness, my relationships and my “lightness”.  My obsession with my weight isolated me.  My obsession with my weight caused me crippling anxiety.

Gaining my health back through recovery has opened more doors than ever.  I have been able to explore life with passion and excitement.  I have been able to develop old and new relationships.  Regaining my health and rejecting my ED has allowed me to study, learn and pursue an internship with I company I have admired for years.

Recovery has helped me resist the unhealthy messages that float around in the media.  I am able to reflect upon how being thin does not correlate with my long term goals and ambitions.  I can see that losing weight cannot will not give me happiness.

So when my boyfriend told me I was “so much lighter” I knew exactly what he meant.  Even though I’m heavier I am so much lighter.

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