I’m a girl who dreams big.
I have always dreamed big.
I’ve always wanted to be a performer. I’ve always wanted to be an entertainer. I would fantasise about walking on stage to the screams of my adoring fans and covering Hilary Duff’s “Fly.” I would fantasise about walking onstage to accept my first Grammy. In my speech I would thank my parents for believeing in me (etc etc) and would gush about my fans.
I wanted this dream more than anything. It would require some hard work on my part.
I practised singing until my voice broke. I practised guitar until my fingers bled. I practised piano until the melody was etched onto my fingertips.
Big dreams bring big responsibilities and require great sacrifices.
I probably sacrificed alot of my youthful freedom because of my dreams. I couldn’t wait to be a world renowned musician. I couldn’t wait for my dreams to come true. It had to happen NOW. Safe to say, I have never been a particularly patient person.
My inability to be patient has made my adolesence and adulthood very difficult. I struggle with open loops. I need to have answers as soon as I have a questions. I struggle to just be present because I am so caught up in my future and my dreams.
It’s hit me recently that this feature of my personality is hindering my mental health. Because I dream so big I don’t live in the present. I’m constantly worrying about whether what I’m doing will benefit my career. I’m constantly over-analysing everything I do. I’m constantly worrying about what other people think of me and whether they think I have failed in my first year out of school.
Because I lack the ability to be present, I take on more than I can chew. I act too quickly and don’t allow myself the time to consider what I’m doing. This can add to my stress because I often have to back-track on my commitments.
Recently, I noticed that my mental health was worsening. I started getting more and more anxious. I started getting panic attacks. I started feeling significant stress over insignificant things.
So I’ve decided that I need some time to heal. I need some time to learn how to be patient. I need some time to nurture myself and care for my health. Because, without my health there IS no future self. Without my health I cannot reach my full potential. Without my health I cannot achieve my dreams.
I’ve decided that my health needs to come first. My dreams can wait for now. I don’t need to be the youngest Prime Minister or the youngest television presenter. I need to care for myself. I need to give myself the space and the time to concentrate on my wellbeing.
I should have done this months ago but sometimes it takes reaching breaking point to initiate real change.
Cheers to a new beginning and new priorities.