An open letter to those who have a partner with anxiety.

 

Your girl is in there and she loves you.

I feel like I need to say sorry.

I feel like I need to say that a lot actually. Every time my brain has a meltdown and you have to see it and pick up the pieces I want to apologise.

I can’t stand watching you get hurt.

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You sit there and watch me stare into space at nothingness as my body starts to dissolve into a panic. You look at me with terror in your eyes because you don’t know how to help me. And in that moment, there’s nothing you can do.

You hold my hand and rub my back when my shoulders are shaking with sobs and snot is running down my face. You allow me to cry on your chest which soaks your cotton shirt. You hold my hair back from my face when I’m hunched over the toilet, dry retching from the panic. All the while never raising your voice but keeping your tone calm.

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When I’m yelling and being irrational, you never raise your voice.
How you maintain your serenity? I’ll never know.

I’m sorry that you’ve had to lay next to me when I’m cold and unresponsive. When I’m angry for no good reason because my brain isn’t working properly. It must be so infuriating watching me because I won’t listen to reason. My perception of reality is clouded by fear.

It breaks my heart reflecting on these episodes because I know you’re the last person who deserves a cold shoulder.

There are always those times when I feel like I need to leave you. Not because I want to. Not because I’m over our relationship. Not because I’m not still in love with you. But because I feel like I need to protect you. I need to protect you from me.

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You have such a beautiful heart. You tell me that you just want to help me in any way you can.

You tell me that you’re not here temporarily, you’re in it for the long run. Warts and all. Good times and bad. But how much more do I go through the bad times than you? Anxiety isn’t rational. It isn’t fair. It doesn’t discriminate. It gets in the way of us being happy and I hate that. I hate it. I often hate me for having it. That doesn’t often help. Because then I get stuck in a cycle of self-hatred and the anxiety gets worse.

Here’s what I envisage for us. One day, I will be well. Anxiety won’t take over my life anymore. In fact, it won’t even be a problem. I will be able to love you like you deserve to be loved. We may have disagreements but they won’t be peppered by panic or fear. We will have fun. We will laugh. We will be free of this.

I don’t know how long it will take. That hurts me and I know it must hurt you too. You can see glimpses of our happiness together and just want it to last. You don’t want the anxiety monster to re-emerge and ruin everything. But you know it will. Eventually.

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I love you and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is a part of my life, and thus, becomes a part of yours too.

It will get better, I promise.

Your girl is in there and she loves you.

 

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2 thoughts on “An open letter to those who have a partner with anxiety.

  1. What a beautiful, heartfelt letter 💛 shows more the beauty of your soul than the pain you must at times feel. Sincerely hope that you find a way to be able to travel on your life’s journey with a tranquil heart and soul. Your young man sounds like one in a million. Don’t lose him x x

    Liked by 1 person

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