Anxiety, my old friend. It’s been a while.

Anxiety, my old friend.

It’s been a while.

Are we friends? I can’t be sure.

I guess you’re that person you have in your life you wish you could cut off. You know the one? That person that’s toxic but sometimes makes you feel like you need them so you hold on to them.

Does that mean we’re friends?

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Image via Pixabay.

Anyway, how are you? It’s been a while but I’ve been seeing you a lot lately, at home and out and about. You’re in that black hoodie of yours just hanging around in the shadows. In my shadow. Following me. Your footsteps have been getting closer lately and I’d really rather you stayed away.

Is it because you see things going well or going badly in my life that you’ve come back?

Obviously over the past few weeks you’ve noticed that I’m not too happy. That things seem to be going wrong. So you quicken your step in the shadows. Start following closer and closer. Maybe you think you’re helping. But you’re really not. You’re just making things worse.

You may not know this, but your presence has never done any good. I’ve told you that many times but you just don’t seem to listen. I went to therapists to get rid of you. I take medication. But you just don’t get it.

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Image via Pixabay.

You’ve never told me where you came from or why you chose me. Why was it me? Can you pinpoint what it was or when you decided to latch on? As I said, I can’t really remember a time without you. Maybe you have a better memory about where it all started.

I remember the first time I really felt you. I was in year seven, remember? I would have been 13 I think.

I’d just started highschool. What a scary place that was. Going from a class of 21 kids to a year group of over 80. So many people to meet. So many expectations. More pressure.

The principal said if your phone went off in class you would get a detention. Goody-two shoes Sophia couldn’t get a detention. Sophia was good. Sophia did what she was told. Sophia never got in trouble.

Remember travelling on the bus every morning and checking your phone ten times to make sure it wasn’t switched on? Remember putting it in your locker and reopening your locker five times to make sure it was off?

Is that when you knew you had me wrapped around your little finger?

Or was it when I’d get home and spend hours infront of the mirror pinpointing everything I wanted to change about myself?

My over-the-top personality.

My thighs.

My voice.

My belly.

My DD boobs.

My acne.

Was there anything I liked about myself?

We all know being young is hard. Puberty is hard. High school is hard. But this was different. My experience wasn’t normal, or that’s what they tell me.

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Image via Pixabay.

You were already there then weren’t you?

Someone said to me the other day, “How are you so happy? You’re just so happy all the time.”

I don’t really know how to answer that. I am a happy person. I am an energetic person. But I’m also not a lot of the time. Maybe that’s the way I cope.  I keep moving because that’s the only way I know. One foot in front of the other. Smile on the dial. Just moving forward.

I hear those steps getting closer so I speed up. You speed up too. And then we’re both running at full speed and eventually you’ll catch up to me. Bastard.

Anyway, just thought I’d check in and let you know I still don’t like you. I never did and I never will. And I work hard every day to lengthen that gap between us.

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Anxiety, my old friend. It’s been a while.

  1. I have this one memory where I was hiding behind my bed, terrified as I heard my mom coming down the hall. Each step made my panic even worse. When my mom came in the room and saw me, she looked gravely concerned and utterly confused. To date I have no reason why I felt that way. Maybe it was because I broke a plate? I was petrified of making mistakes. Yes, my mother was emotionally unavailable but I was never beaten or punished or any of that. I’ve asked my therapist several times if maybe I was just born that way. She said no, but who knows…

    Like

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